![]() ![]() → (laughter) → # TALIESIN It's what he would've wanted. → # SAM He was only alive for 20 minutes! → # MATT Yeah! And you can keep him alive for even longer, maybe! You can unlock him for the next 11 days by playing the latest event called The Running. → They added Spurt the Kobold as the most recent. → They actually added-the most recent champion is Spurt from our campaign. → If you guys aren't familiar with Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms, it is a strategy video game where it brings together a bunch iconic D&D characters from the novels, from the adventure books and modules, from popular shows. → Our second sponsor for the evening, returning once more, our friends at Idle Champions. → (cheering) → # TRAVIS Et cetera's such a hit party. Special guests include DM Satine Phoenix, Patrick Rothfuss, et cetera! Don't miss it May 9th. → There's going to be completely random character gen and donation goals to cause even more mayhem. → All proceeds are going to benefit the American Association of Suicidology, and you can tune in May 9th to Twitch.TV/D&DBeyond. → (laughter) Also, D&D Beyond wanted me to tell you- this is an ad- D&D Beyond wanted me to tell you that they're going to be hosting a great charity livestream for Jasper's Game Day. → # MATT So what about D&D Beyond? → # SAM Oh yes, oh sorry. → No, I'm going to win the way I won my Emmy, by porking an executive of a trophy company. → # SAM But as Dani Carr always advises me, I don't need to go low in this election to win. → (groaning) → # LIAM I only killed one kid. → Liam could have single-handedly funded our Kickstarter if he didn't have so many traffic tickets from searching himself on Tumblr while driving. ![]() → His monologues are more emotionally depleting than the discography of Dashboard Confessional. → His character choices are so emo, Damien Rice called and said that they were too heavy. → How could anyone dislike someone who has more OshKosh B'gosh overalls in her closet than Michael Jackson did? → # ASHLEY Oh my god! → # TALIESIN Wow! Wow! → # SAM Liam, on the other hand, is totally fair game. → I mean, let's be honest, she is America's sweetheart. → When does it air, by the way? Is it still 3:00am Wednesdays between infomercials for eyebrow implants and a towel that absorbs solid waste? But I'm not here to roast Ashley. → Her "hit show" Blindspot is seen by literally hundreds of people every week. → (groaning) But hey, at least she missed them for a good reason. → # SAM And Ashley, her character is, I mean, does she even know? She's missed so many games, it's more games than Michael Vick and Tonya Harding combined. → # LIAM Much more of a nasally drone, but go on. → # TRAVIS Wow! → # SAM His voice is so shrill it's like listening to an ASMR video of someone sandblasting a litter of puppies. → He's an authoritarian party pooper whose characters are darker than the last episode of Game of Thrones, and sadder than a double feature of Flight 93 and Requiem for a Dream. → # TALIESIN Wow! → # SAM The members of the O'Brien-Johnson campaign build themselves as honest, nice D&D players, but if we're being accurate, Liam isn't nice. → It's my voice that makes you want to drown me out with a stereo mix of Limp Bizkit and Michelle Wolf. → Johnson said that my smile made you want to drown yourself in hot goat piss, not accurate. → My face is much more like a Steve Buscemi Halloween mask that has melted in the back seat of your Kia. → (laughter) She accused me of looking like a donkey wearing a Jeff Goldblum mask, also inaccurate. → The whole picture is my entire body is as doughy as Val Kilmer in a funnel cake factory. → Ashley Johnson said that I had lily-white hands that had never worked a day in their lives. → I wanted to set the record straight tonight. → But a couple of weeks ago, my opponents, O'Brien and Johnson, said some slanderous things about me that were not accurate. → It's super duper accurate, something that I, Sam Riegel, as a candidate for president, am hyper-focused on, accuracy. → # SAM The great thing about D&D Beyond everybody is it's all about accuracy, right? They can handle the stats for you, they can handle calculating damage, adding bonuses, ability checks, all that stuff. Our first up is our long time friend of campaign two, our returning sponsors D&D Beyond. → First and foremost, we have two sponsors for the evening. Before we get into tonight's game, we have a few announcements to get through. → # TRAVIS (high-pitched) We play Dungeons & Dragons! → # MATT All right. # MATT Everyone and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons.
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